Why ADHD Behaviour Triggers Us

(Even When We Should Know Better)

Engaging with one-track minds, emotional steamrollers and the occasional know-it-all

We’ve read the books. We’ve watched the TikToks. We’ve even shared the memes about ADHD with our mates over flat whites. So why, in the name of all that is caffeinated, do we still get so triggered by our ADHD loved ones?

Seriously. Why does it feel like someone’s stabbing your brain with a spork every time your partner forgets to ask how your day was? Or when your friend monologues for forty-five minutes about cloud formations while you sit there, nodding like a hostage with manners?

Here it is: knowledge isn’t the same as peace. You can understand ADHD on a neurological level and still feel like someone’s holding your emotional needs hostage in their dopamine-fuelled whirlwind.

One-Track Mind or Just Plain Selfish?

First bitter pill: ADHD isn’t an excuse, but it is a reason. That infamous one-track mind? Not chosen. When someone with ADHD is locked into hyperfocus, it’s genuinely hard to shift gears, even if the house is metaphorically (or literally) on fire.

From the outside, though? It feels like they just don’t give a damn. That you’re background noise. And here’s where it gets messy: sometimes, it’s both.

Their brain might be wired to ignore the world. But you? Your feelings are real. Your need to be seen, heard, valued? Also real.

Are They Dismissive, or Just Overwhelmed?

Ever poured your heart out, only to be met with a glazed stare, an unsolicited solution, or worse, a snippy correction about the year your favourite band formed?

ADHD often shows up with emotional dysregulation, low impulse control, and a deep, twitchy need to regain control of the convo (aka open the dopamine tap). What you read as cold may actually be emotional overwhelm. But knowing that doesn’t always take the sting out of the slap.

So, Do We Say Something or Stay Silent?

Here lies the limbo. You want to speak up, but fear being painted as judgmental. You stay silent, and the resentment simmers like a slow cooker full of emotional cabbage.

So let’s be blunt: you are allowed to have needs. ADHD doesn’t nullify your right to feel respected, heard or emotionally safe.

You can love someone’s brain and still find it maddening. You can admire their quirks and want to scream into a pillow. That doesn’t make you unkind. It makes you human.

Is It Just ADHD… Or Are Other Brains Guilty Too?

Before we paint the entire frustration mural in dopamine-deficit blues, let’s pause. Because here’s a juicy question:

Is it fair to lay all this emotional load at ADHD’s doorstep?

Short answer: not quite.

While ADHD gets the starring role in this particular show, it’s not the only neurotype that brings tricky behaviours to the party.

People with autism, for instance, may also hyperfocus, miss emotional cues, or react in seemingly blunt ways during intense moments. Those with OCD might fixate, those with dyslexia or dyspraxia may zone out during emotionally complex discussions, and let’s not even get started on PDA profiles (Pathological Demand Avoidance), where even a casual suggestion can feel like a courtroom summons.

And brace yourself, not all confusing or careless behaviours are ND-based, either.

Sometimes what we’re seeing is:

• Unhealed trauma responses
  
• Poor emotional modelling from childhood
  
• A lack of accountability disguised as “quirkiness”
  

So no, it’s not always ADHD. And it’s definitely not always an excuse.

The trick is to discern patterns, not pounce on labels. Just because someone forgets your birthday doesn’t mean they need a diagnosis. But if they always forget, dismiss, deflect or derail, and you’re left emotionally bankrupt, it’s worth a deeper look.

Calling Them Out vs Calling Them In

Right, so how do you bring this up without launching World War Diagnosed?

You call them in, not out. Curious, not condemning. Soft hands, not sharpened claws. Try:

“When you interrupted me just now, I felt dismissed. Can we try again?”

“I know your brain works fast, but I’d love it if we could slow down and really hear each other.”

“I need to talk about something emotional, and I want to make sure you’re in the headspace for it. Can you let me know when’s a good time?”

Timing matters. ADHD brains don’t love surprise emotional landmines. Avoid deep feels during printer refills, mid-scroll, or while they’re three tabs deep in a conspiracy theory.

What If They Still Can’t Hear You?

And now the tough bit: sometimes, they just won’t meet you where you are. Whether it’s shame, denial or executive dysfunction, change doesn’t happen on your timeline.

That doesn’t mean you give up. But it does mean you get wise. Speak less often, but more strategically. Hold your boundaries without sounding like a prison warden.

Protect your peace. Don’t ask for permission to build a fence when your garden’s getting trampled.

Are We Too Accepting of Neurodivergent Behaviour?

In some circles, yes. There’s a growing trend of romanticising neurodivergence while quietly erasing the impact it has on others.

Understanding someone’s wiring should create more compassion, not fewer boundaries. You’re not a bad person for wanting your needs met. Nor are you evil for feeling annoyed, ignored or bone-deep tired.

You’re Not a Monster for Getting Triggered

Say it louder for the people at the back:

You’re allowed to be frustrated. You’re allowed to grieve the intimacy gaps. You’re allowed to want more.

But what you’re not allowed to do? Weaponise your frustration. Diagnose from resentment. Or punish someone for a brain they didn’t order off Amazon.

The goal here isn’t to “get over it”. The goal is to get through it – together if you can, separately if you must.

So… Are We Meant to Just Accept It?

No. But also, not exactly yes.

You’re meant to understand it.
You’re meant to talk about it.
You’re meant to adapt around it, as they must adapt to you.

Love isn’t about perfection. It’s about effort.