Moving Beyond the Myth of Perfect Innocence

Right, let’s talk about something that doesn’t seem to get talked about nearly enough.

Autistic people need accountability too.

And before somebody starts clutching their pearls, I’m not talking about abusing children or punishing somebody for being autistic. I’m talking about parents recognising that their autistic child is still a person who can learn right from wrong, understand boundaries, experience consequences and, importantly, grow into an adult who has to live with other people.

And I’m not saying this from some ivory tower where I’ve never had to deal with it myself. I’m a parent of neurodiverse children too. I’ve had to learn, adapt, get things wrong, try again and work out where support ends and enabling begins. So this isn’t me talking crap about somebody else’s parenting. It’s learned experience.

Because this is where I think some parents get it spectacularly wrong. They see autism and immediately lower the expectations. They stop saying no, stop telling their child off, stop taking privileges away and stop enforcing boundaries because they’re worried that disciplining an autistic child is somehow unfair.

And I’m sorry, but I think that’s doing the child a massive disservice.

Autism doesn’t switch intelligence off

This is the part that really needs saying. Just because a child is autistic doesn’t mean they’re stupid. It doesn’t mean they don’t understand what’s happening around them, can’t recognise patterns, can’t learn from experience or can’t work out what gets them what they want.

They’re human beings. Of course they can have those capabilities.

I’m talking here about autistic people who have the capacity to understand expectations, learn from consequences and develop those skills as they grow. I’m not talking about people whose intellectual or support needs mean those expectations aren’t appropriate.

If your child can understand, teach them. If they can learn, guide them. And if they know they’ve done something wrong, don’t automatically pretend they don’t because they’re autistic.

You’re raising an adult, not protecting a child forever

This is the bit that seems to disappear from the conversation. That child is going to grow up.

The helicopter parent who spent years saying, “I can’t tell them off because they’re autistic” eventually has an adult standing in front of them. And that adult may still expect everyone else to accommodate them. They may not be used to being told no, dealing with consequences, being challenged or considering that somebody else’s needs might matter just as much as theirs.

And suddenly the world is supposed to deal with it.

Well, good luck with that.

Because their employer isn’t their parent. Their partner isn’t their parent. Their friends aren’t their parent. And society certainly isn’t going to spend the rest of their life making excuses for them.

A spoiled child can become a spoiled adult

This isn’t exclusive to autism. We’ve all seen it. A child gets everything they want, nobody tells them no, nobody makes them take responsibility and nobody lets them experience consequences. Eventually, they can become an adult who believes they’re entitled to everything they want.

They’re difficult to work with, difficult to have a relationship with and difficult to be friends with. They’re the person who can never accept criticism because somehow everybody else is always the problem.

Now add a diagnosis that everyone around them has been taught to treat as an automatic explanation for their behaviour, and you’ve potentially created another layer of protection around that entitlement.

That’s where I have a problem. Not with autism, not with accommodation and not with compassion. With using autism as a reason to stop teaching somebody accountability.

Understanding isn’t the same as letting someone get away with it

If an autistic child does something wrong because they genuinely don’t understand why it’s wrong, explain it. If they struggle to understand a social situation, teach them. But if they understand the boundary and simply don’t like it, that’s different.

“I don’t like it” isn’t the same as “I can’t understand it.” And “I’m autistic” isn’t automatically the same as “I’m incapable of changing.”

Someone can be rigid in their thinking and still learn. They can dislike change and still adapt. They can struggle with another person’s perspective and still be taught that other people have perspectives.

Sometimes they need somebody to stand there and say, “I know you don’t like this. We’re doing it anyway.”

That’s not cruelty. That’s life.

Don’t raise somebody who thinks autism is a get-out-of-jail card

This is the part I really want parents to think about. If you constantly rescue your child from consequences because they’re autistic, what exactly are you teaching them?

You’re not teaching them that autism is something they can manage. You’re potentially teaching them that autism means other people have to manage them.

That’s a very different message, and it can become incredibly damaging.

Because eventually, that child becomes an adult. They might expect their partner to constantly accommodate them. They might expect their employer to accept behaviour that isn’t acceptable. They might believe that boundaries only apply to everyone else. They might refuse to try anything uncomfortable because they’ve spent their entire life being told that discomfort is something they should always be protected from.

And when somebody finally says no, they might not have the tools to deal with it.

Not because they’re autistic.

Because nobody ever taught them.

We need to stop confusing protection with preparation

I completely understand wanting to protect your child. That’s what parents do. But protecting a child from every difficult experience isn’t the same as preparing them for adulthood.

At some point, they have to learn that life involves compromise. They have to learn that other people matter, that actions have consequences, that sometimes they’re wrong and that sometimes people will tell them no. They have to learn that not getting what they want isn’t the end of the world.

You can teach all of that while still understanding autism. You can make reasonable accommodations, recognise genuine limitations and support your child, while also holding a boundary.

Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.

The goal isn’t to make them “normal”

And before somebody accuses me of wanting autistic children forced into some neurotypical mould, no. That’s not what I’m saying.

I’m not interested in making autistic people behave like everybody else. I’m interested in them having the opportunity to become decent, responsible adults. Adults who understand that their needs matter, but so do other people’s. Adults who can recognise when they’ve crossed a line, accept that sometimes they’re wrong and hear criticism without immediately turning it into an attack.

Adults who can understand that autism may explain why something is difficult without making them permanently exempt from working on it.

That’s the goal. Not conformity. Not perfection. Responsibility.

Sometimes, you have to tell your kid off

I know. Revolutionary concept.

But honestly, why are we so frightened of this?

Children need guidance. They need somebody willing to say, “No, that’s not acceptable.” They need somebody willing to enforce reasonable consequences and explain why.

And autistic children aren’t somehow less deserving of that guidance because they’re autistic.

In fact, if you know your child has difficulties that could make adulthood harder, surely helping them develop appropriate coping skills and boundaries becomes even more important. Not less.

You don’t have to scream at them. You don’t have to shame them. You don’t have to hit them.

You simply have to parent them.

And sometimes parenting means saying no.

Because they’re going to become adults

That’s ultimately what I’m getting at.

I’m not asking anyone to make life harder for autistic children. I’m asking us to stop automatically making accountability disappear.

Support them. Understand them. Accommodate them where necessary. But don’t underestimate them. Don’t assume they can’t understand. Don’t automatically excuse behaviour they are capable of learning to manage.

And please don’t spend eighteen years teaching somebody that autism means they never have to hear the word “no”, then wonder why they’re an adult who can’t handle it.

Autism isn’t a character flaw. It isn’t an excuse for bad behaviour either.

If we genuinely want autistic children to grow into decent, responsible adults, then we have to give them the opportunity to learn what that actually means. Sometimes that means support. Sometimes it means patience. Sometimes it means a consequence.

And sometimes, yes, it means a bloody good telling-off.